Division of roles in a relationship is not only expressed in the practical matters of household and family tasks such as daily duties who cleans, who cooks and who takes the children etc., but the division of roles in a relationship also touches on more abstract emotional aspects in which partners may feel a need within the relationship unit, such as giving compliments, rewards, understanding emotions, showing empathy and more.
If we delve a bit deeper, every couple has a relationship contract not in matters of money or divorce, but a contract between the partners for division of roles, which builds or has built the more or less fixed role of each one of the partners.
A contract that is partly conscious to the partners and mostly not.
Many couples can describe situations in which one of the partners frequently holds the position of saving and calculating every financial expense with various sayings “we need to save” or “right now we are in a month with many expenses”, while the other holds a somewhat different (and sometimes opposite) position such as that one should also know “to spend and enjoy” “you are too frugal”, one of the partners shares information about his feelings and sensations easily while the other holds the position of silence, one of the partners is the authoritative parent and the other is the fun parent who in the eyes of even the children is perceived as the figure from whom it is better to ask for sweets and outings, one of the partners is sensitive and the other practical and so on.
Couples who are aware of the contract, who maintain a fair and proper division of burden and household tasks and change them in relation and according to the changing needs in our lives will have a fair and comfortable contract that allows fertile ground for the growth of the relationship, stability and happiness, and in short much better relations than couples characterized by a poor relationship contract characterized by inequality which contains within it seeds of adversity, until one of the partners can no longer withstand the feeling of unfairness that rises and develops into distress that is ultimately expressed in reactive behavior such as distance, indifference, anger and disproportionate response such as attempts to forcefully change the status quo for example “from today I do not start conversations! want to talk, you come to me!”, or “I will no longer initiate a couple outing from my side and many other examples.
Ultimately, it can be seen that changing the division of roles in a relationship is not a simple relationship challenge which may shake the relationship system and challenge the partners and the entire family unit.
In order to reach a fair relationship contract as we discussed, first the couple must know that it exists, that it is present and affects the relationship. It is worthwhile to sit and define the roles between you in order to make the roles more flexible. On the practical level it will be an easier part that can always be flexible toward one another, but on the emotional level this is a process of complex inner observation which many people find difficult to perform on their own: it is much easier to attribute relationship difficulties to the character of the partner (“he is a difficult person”, “he is not frugal he is stingy”, “she is controlling”) or to attribute them to his family (“he is like his father” “she is like her mother”) than to sit and truly do complex relationship work. Accordingly, many couples succeed in changing the rigid and one-sided relationship contract only through couples therapy which allows observation of the factors that activate each partner, enabling movement from roles and patterns of behavior and emotion that existed until recently and opening a new shared relationship contract.
Alongside this it is important to note that there can be a fair division but it is not equal, everything according to the couple. Good luck.
Rachamim Haimov psychotherapist, couples therapist and groom instructor. 0534223547
therapist4us@gmail.com
