“Get to know the language of love”.
Let us get to know a fascinating theory that provides a proportional perspective on the behaviors of partners and even on their ways of action.
We will also examine how this can be implemented in practice.
The five love languages – this is the name of the theory developed by Dr. Gary Chapman. Knowing this theory is extremely important, since its basic assumption is that each one of us expresses and receives love in the deepest and most suitable way for them!
When we understand our “love language” and that of our partner, or even a child, we can create a deeper connection and avoid misunderstandings that may harm the relationship!
And the implication of this basic assumption is that the reason we as partners feel unloved or not appreciated enough does not necessarily stem from bad intention by the partner or from a lack of desire to invest, we simply speak different love languages!
So do you want to know what the love languages are? Let us begin with an overview of the first language:
#1. Words of affirmation (words of affirmation):
People whose love language is expressed through words of affirmation are people who know very well how to compliment, to uplift. This is how they express love, and this is also how they expect to receive it!
They will feel loved when they hear affirming words. Compliments and expressions of appreciation. Verbal expressions of love are very important to them, whether written or spoken.
One who speaks this language, their love map is built and develops according to the need that is being met! Therefore, if partners speak different love languages, this will create a short circuit! Not because of the different languages, but because of the lack of awareness that each one uses a different way to express their love!
Therefore, sometimes one of the partners will buy a beautiful gift, or even book a grand vacation, there will still be a vague feeling of lack of appreciation and that I am not loved, but rather that they are just trying to check a box!
For one who speaks the language of “words of affirmation”, small words like: “I love you” or “you are important to me” can be far more meaningful than a luxurious gift!
Formulate for them sentences such as:
These words will touch the right place and create closeness, because suddenly it feels like someone is speaking their language!
#2 Quality Time (Quality Time)
For people whose love language this is, more than anything it is important to receive the full attention of their partner. This does not only mean being in the same physical space, but to dedicate quality and focused time together, to talk about important things, to share experiences and to create shared memories.
A study by John Gottman, a well-known researcher in the field of relationships, found in his research that couples who dedicate at least 5 hours per week to shared activity (such as meaningful conversations, spending time together or expressing affection) tend to report more stable and satisfying relationships.
Researchers emphasize that the quantity of time is less important than the quality of time.
Even a short time can be meaningful if it is dedicated to activities that strengthen the relationship, such as meaningful conversations, shared interests, mutual support, and activities that evoke a sense of closeness and intimacy. And most importantly, that it will be sterile. Without any disturbing factor! Without the phone, without the children in the background, but rather solid and private shared time!
Examples for creating quality time:
Who does not like gifts, huh? But there are those for whom this is the language that especially speaks to them! And this is how they feel loved more than anything! Because gifts symbolize love for people whose love language is receiving gifts.
It is not necessarily related to the material value of the gift, but to what it symbolizes – thought, investment and consideration. Even small and symbolic gestures can show a person that they are important in your eyes.
Examples of gestures that give the feeling that we thought about the partner:
Purchase the advanced kit
People whose love language is “acts of service” feel loved when their partner helps them or does things for them that make their lives easier. This can be help with housework, handling tasks or anything else that shows them that you are there for them.
The very fact that the one who speaks the love language of “acts of service” knows that they always have someone who will be there by their side, gives them a safety net and a feeling of calm and ease.
Studies prove that when a strong system of trust is built between partners, even when one of the partners is not present, the one who speaks the language of “acts of service” will still feel these feelings of calm, love, and security.
This trust is built from action following action. Proof and keeping promises. For example, the partner asked that we take care of something at home such as taking out the trash, fixing the drawer, or even washing dishes and we responded “on me, I will do it”. It is important to carry this out and not betray the trust of the partner!
And through continuous actions and keeping promises – trust is built! Which creates a feeling of love and closeness for the one who speaks this language.
Additional examples in which it is possible to give the partner a supreme feeling of love through simple actions:
Physical touch is a powerful way to express love for people whose this language is their central language. And any such touch can make the partner feel connected and loved. The touch does not have to be only in an intimate context, but also, and perhaps mainly within the daily routine.
So after we have learned all the languages that love has, the most important thing to remember is, why is it important to know your love language and that of your partner?
Because when we understand our love language and that of the partner, we can communicate our needs more clearly and give love in the way the partner needs.
Sometimes, people express love in the way they would like to receive it, and not in a way that suits their partner, which may create a feeling of disconnection or lack of understanding.
For example, if one of the partners loves to receive compliments and positive words, while the other expresses love through gifts, a gap in communication may be created if both do not understand each other’s language.
So how can we discover our love language and that of the partner?
We can simply ask ourselves or the partner: “What makes me or you feel most loved?” or pay attention to the small actions that feel most meaningful to us in the relationship. When partners talk about this and coordinate expectations, it is easiest to touch the other side in the heart! Because understanding the love languages is a wonderful tool for strengthening the relationship and deepening intimacy and mutual understanding.
Rabbi David Ben Chai, director of the Beit Hora’ah “Shlemut HaMishpacha” and the Beit Hora’ah “Shaarei Halacha VeMishpat”, marriage and family counselor, CBT therapist, guide in marital life and groom instructor. And chairman of the association of marriage instructors in Israel. Tel: 0546201061 Email: dbh.mala@gmail.com
